bringing sexy back

I was goofing off with my husband yesterday evening (you know, joking, playful banter, come hither eyes, that sort of thing) and I had an epiphany of sorts...

I've lost my flirt.

There was a not-so-distant time when flirting was something that came as natural to me as breathing. Heaven knows I'd bat my eyes at anything male, homo sapien optional. It didn't matter who they were: the potential husband at church, the awkward teenage grocery store checker, the extra-helpful mailman, or the not-so-cute boy next door. I'd give 'em a smile, a giggle, and attempt to make their day. That's truly what it was about too...making them feel special and having a good time. It wasn't sexual in nature at all, heck attraction was completely optional, it was just a whole lot of fun. I didn't even think about it...I just did.

Fast forward a half a decade, give or take, and you find me now. Here I am, married with little ones, and nary a hair toss in sight. Even with my husband, who I love dearly, flirting is something I have to consciously focus on doing. Why? When and how did it become so hard to banter and wink? Where's my wit? Where's my sparkle? I'm not sure where the flirt has gone...but I'm going to get it back.

But, you might exclaim, You're a married woman! So true. Don't worry, I'm not going to attempt to seduce the first poor man that stumbles across my path with fishnets and stilettos. I'm thinking more along the lines of bringing out the playful banter a little more often, smiling at the clerk at Target, and not being afraid to sway my hips while I push the stroller down the street. I'd love it if when my husband makes some less-then-funny attempt at humor, I'd giggle a bit instead of rolling my eyes and being annoyed. Really, I guess just want to feel feminine again. And that, ladies, is my goal. In the immortal words of Justin Timberlake, "I'm bringing sexy back."

ps-any thoughts or suggestions on how exactly one does that would be much appreciated.

Why Nice Drivers Aren't Always Good Drivers

We've all appreciated the nice driver who paused among heavy traffic to let you make that right turn so you could join the hundreds of other drivers slowly inching their way among the streets to their destinations. Courteous, patient drivers, who are alert to their surroundings make a happier world...

Except for when the "niceness" goes too far. When the niceness leads to traffic jams and car accidents. That's when I sit in my car screaming, "Just drive people!" I encounter this a lot living in the Midwest, where people can be too polite for their own good.

For example, if two people pull up to a four-way stop sign and one person decides to be nice and wave the other person on, then that's nice. The other person should continue on their way, not insist they be the nicer person and wave the other ahead. This is one way a traffic jam happens at a four-way stop sign. Another way is when four people pull up to the stop sign (obviously coming four different directions) and the first person at the stop sign decides to politely wave another person forward. First, it would be faster for you to just keep driving than it would be to be polite, and second, just because you were the first person at the stop sign doesn't mean you get to choose who goes forward next. Everyone knows that it is whoever got to the the stop sign first.

Next example, someone is trying to turn left or right onto a busy road and is waiting for a break in the traffic. You are traveling down the road when you see this person trying to turn. You should not then stop in the middle of the street to let this person go ahead of you, this is how accidents happen. First, the people behind you might get impatient and try to go around you making it impossible for the person turning to try to turn. Second, if they are trying to turn left they have a whole other lane of traffic (moving in the opposite direction) to contend with. Third, there might have been a pause in traffic after you drove by (had you maintained the speed limit) that the said person was going to take advantage of, but because you slowed down and stopped in the middle of traffic you have not only confused the person, but you have allowed the gap to close with more traffic! You have done no one a favor by being polite. (Not to mention the potential fender-bender because you stopped in the middle of the road).

And don't even get me started on merging! I will just say, pay attention and let people in, and to the people merging, speed up and try your best to match the pace of the traffic.

With the holiday season approaching let us all practice good driving manners. Be patient and courteous, pay attention to what's happening around you, follow the rules of the road (remember that driver's license test you had to take oh so many years ago?), and most importantly stay safe.

We Are Golden Muffins

So, I was planning on ranting about the provocative Hot Mormon Muffins calendar. The "Hot Mormon Muffins: A Taste of Motherhood" calendar features 12 women who claim membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in vintage pinup picture poses. Each month also has a muffin recipe.


I was going to go on and on about the offensive way the calender's creator, Chad Hardy (the brain behind the controversial Men on a Mission calendar), is supposedly breaking down stereotypical barriers by parading about women who claim to be Mormon in next-to-nothing. I considered discussing all the different ways this is offensive to me, an actual Latter-day Saint mother, and how it drags the morals and reputation of the Church through the mud. Believe you me, I was planning on going on for quite some time.

...but then I figured y'all have already heard my opinion on the over-abundance of sex in the media, especially regarding women, and figured I'd leave the ranting to you in the comments. So, I threw that idea out the the window and instead, decided to share one of my very favorite songs and videos ever, We Are Golden by Mika (thanks Megan!).

I love basically anything by Mika, but this one in particular makes me smile. It takes me right back to the heady highs and lower-than-lows of the angst-ridden teenage years. Who doesn't remember dancing around the house with the music blasting? Whenever I turn this song on, I can't help but bounce around like I'm 16 again, much to my children's eternal amusement. I hope you love it even one iota as much as I do. Enjoy!

Must share

Okay, so I am probably a little too excited about this, but I just had to share with all of you other Moms, Moms-to-be, or friends of Moms who were wondering what would be the perfect gift to give this year.



It's a Bumkin waterproof bib! No, not just a bib, a practical t-shirt. With pockets to catch the food, a tie in the back (your kid will no longer be able to rip off the velcro), easy to clean, and comes in cute designs!

For more info click here.

I'll take the sex, hold the baby please.

It's no secret I like to have sex. I mean, really, who doesn't? (well, I suppose, nuns probably don't and any teenager probably shouldn't, but you know what I mean). It would seem, however, that there is one inconvenient side effect that comes with having sex...that would be children. As I've oh-so-recently done the whole three kids three and under thing, I'd reallllly like to avoid another adorable little side effect any time soon.


For the first time in nearly forever (or so it seems), I'm neither currently pregnant or nursing. Which, excitingly, opens up a vast array of birth control options. My husband and I have always been fans of (ahem) raincoats but, well, frankly the (double ahem) interruption* is starting to annoy me. The thought of all those interrupted fêtes between the bedsheets ahead of me is a little frusterating...so, on to Plan B...no, no, no, not the morning after pill, I meant something other than condoms.


Anyway, as I mentioned before, I have little to no experience in non-condom birth control, so I was hoping you'd share some of yours. In my particular case, I'd love to have something that is fairly low-hormone, as my family has a history of being hormonally uber-sensitive. Also, personally, I'm hoping for something that doesn't take all that long to leave the system because it won't be too too long before we'd like to start trying to conceive again (have no fear for my sanity, however, it isn't all THAT soon either). Whether your particular form of BC fits those restrictions or not, however, doesn't really matter, I'd still love to hear your opinion on all things contraceptive related...even if it's just that your sister's roomate's cousin got pregnant with an IUD in and the baby came out holding it in his hand (that's possibly a true story too ;). Do tell!


*TMI*TMI*TMI: When I kept on misspelling the word interruption in the second paragraph, my automatic spellchecker kept on bringing up the option of int-eruption...which, considering we're talking about sex here, amused me to no end. Just thought I'd share for the dirtier minded of y0u.

Sometimes I feel like this:

P!nk - Please Don't Leave Me (Official Video) HQ
Uploaded by GaGa-Vision. - See the latest featured music videos.

Let me explain: I'm 30 weeks pregnant and this pregnancy has been very hard on me and consequently on my husband. I haven't had much patience with people and since I can't lose it in front of strangers or with my son, my poor husband receives the brunt of everything. The sane part of me, the normal part of me, says "you're being crazy, just ignore the fact that he is chewing too loudly." But the insane-pregnant side of me says out loud: "Stop chewing!"

My husband is extremely patient and loving. He is a middle child and therefore a peacemaker. It takes a LOT for him to lose his patience, but for the first time in our marriage I've pushed him that far. Of course, all that comes of it is basically him telling me I'm being a butthead. He's right of course, and I feel awful. I want to do something special for him. Something that shows him how much I really do appreciate all of the support, patience, and love he gives me.

So I have two things to request from our readers: One, any ideas of something special I can do for him? Two, And please tell me I'm not the only one who acts crazy...

P.S. The video is kind of creepy, therefore appropriate with Halloween tomorrow...

Cleaning Gets Old

I'm having one of those days. I'm so burnt out you might as well scrape me off like blackened toast. So, for all the other moms out there..

.

What young girl doesn't need a bustier?

Normally I'm a pretty laid back, tolerant, live-and-let-live type of girl. I don't feel it's my job to hoist my opinions and beliefs on other people (I can hear my husband laughing now;), especially as I realize in today's world not everyone believes as I do...but I really have to rant about something I find highly inappropriate.

I was wandering about the mall the other day when my attention was caught by these huge advertisements in a store's windows. The posters showed larger-than-life pictures of girls scantily dressed in lingerie-ish underclothing. I was a little surprised because I knew I wasn't near Victoria's Secret...and then I realized I was standing in front of aerie, American Eagle's under- lounge-, and exercise-wear branch. I was bothered by a few of different things while standing there slack-jawed in the middle of a crowded mall on a Saturday night.

1~The girls in the posters were obviously very young.
2~Said young girls were dressed in nearly nothing and what they were wearing could hardly be called age-appropriate.
3~Nearly naked, underage girls were posed very provocatively.
4~Provocative, semi-nude young girls had sexually-charged captions on their photos ("sexy," "flirty," etc.).
and finally...
5~This was all on the outside windows of a store geared towards young, teenage girls.

Honestly, my first thought was, "that's darn near close to child pornography." While I realize the poster girls weren't actually fully nude or engaged in sexual acts, the photos were still of underage girls who were dressed and posed waaay too sexually for their ages.

Then my thoughts moved toward the fact that aerie is a store that is aimed at young, underage girls. I couldn't help but wonder what message the advertisers are trying to send: If you shop here you'll be fun and flirty? How about, boys will think you're sexy if you're wearing our underwear? Regardless of their intentions, the message they're selling is SEX. I mean, really, most aerie shoppers shouldn't even be showing any boys their underwear, let alone buying lingerie! Statistics show that "when compared to teens who are not sexually active, teenage boys and girls who are sexually active are significantly less likely to be happy and more likely to feel depressed...[and] are significantly more likely to attempt suicide." Everyday, 8,000 teenagers in the United States become infected by a sexually transmitted disease. Not to mention that teen pregnancy is rampant. If anything, we should be telling our girls (and our boys too, for that matter) to say No, NO, NO not Go, GO, GO!

Instead, what's aerie telling our girls? No need to wait until marriage, or heck, even until you're emotionally mature enough to handle sex. Unwanted pregnancy? STDs? forgetaboutit. It IS all about being sexy and titillating and catching those young boys by the balls...and have we got *the* cutest pair of garter panties and matching bustier to get you on your way.

Favorite Things

Do you have a few favorite things that you are convinced just make your life so much easier? You know, things that maybe you could do yourself or should probably buy generic brand but you find it's so worth splurging for.

I found one of those things. Disposable toilet bowl cleaners - simply install the little gel pad on the inside of your toilet bowl and it dissolves over a period of time (usually a week), keeping your toilet clean with each flush.

The bathroom is the one place that gets away from me while pregnant and it is also the one chore my husband despises with a vengeance. In order to save our marriage (okay, that might have been a little melodramatic, but you get the point), we have totally bought into the quick, easy solutions. We also love shower sprays, spray down the shower stall after each use and fight mildew and other grossness. The bathroom doesn't need a good scrub down half as often as before, which makes my husband happy, while still staying relatively clean and smelling good, which makes me happy.

Other favorite things:
-Tree Top Apple Juice (seriously won't even consider generic apple juice after trying this stuff).
-Stouffer's Lasagna (so tasty and you don't have to do any of the work)
-Victoria's Secret bras
-Pretty much anything crafty because I am craft-deficient. I would totally spend $10 on a wooden sign that my best friend could probably do herself for much cheaper.

Those are just a few of my favorite things that make my life easier, make me happier, save my sanity, or just plain make me feel sexy. What are a few of your favorite things?

I've come full circle

I love the movie Legally Blonde.

Now I realize, to many, Legally Blonde is nothing more than a Girl Power waste of time. However, those that just dismiss it as another brainless chick flick with slightly less male characters and a lot more pink are completely missing the point. I was sixteen when I first saw Legally Blonde with my best girlfriend Aubrey. As we lounged in her parents living room, I found myself relating to the struggles and triumphs of Ms. Elle Woods in oh-so-many ways. Somehow, I saw myself in the sassy, opinionated, and chic Elle (without the boobs, blonde hair, or wardrobe, of course). So often in high school, I was completely dismissed because I was perky, cute, and waaaay more than a bit of a flirt. It was automatically assumed I was vapid and empty-headed. I can't even tell you how often I had people insist I was making up a word they didn't recognize because they couldn't fathom I had a bigger vocabulary then they did [insert eye roll here]. Who cares if I say "like" more than my fair share, that doesn't mean I can't be intelligent. So, when I saw Elle deal with the same issues, I guess I just felt understood.


When I graduated from small-town Stillwater High School (Go Pioneers!), it was so refreshing to go to an intellectually-challenging college and have people assume that if you were there, you had to be a relatively smart cookie. I really, really enjoyed that aspect of school. Even when I got married, had my first baby, and was pregnant with my second (at the young age of 22, no less), people still assumed that I had some substance to me.


I'm sorry to say...I've come full circle. I'm once again Elle Woods, with flatter boobs and un-fabulous hair (what I wouldn't do for that volume *sigh*). Now that I'm no longer in school and am at home with three very young kids all. day. long., I find myself being, once again, completely dismissed. When I venture out for the necessary trip to Walmart or even [gasp!] the mall, people look at me like I'm certifiably insane or, even worse, completely through me. I was on a rare Girls Night Out a while back, and I got all excited that the person ringing me up at a store actually *saw* me and even carried on a conversation, no less. I don't know if my girlfriend really understood what the big deal was, but now that she's a mom herself, she probably does now. When people do talk to me, I often find myself talked down to. I don't know if they think because I procreate I must be an idiot or what. It's like, "Hello! I do have three children, but I do know how babies are made, I am aware of birth control, and I do have intelligent opinions! Thanks, buh-bye now." Never does someone ask me about my opinion on politics or religion or even the latest bestseller, they just ask me about my children...and that's about it. Don't get me wrong, I love talking about my kids, baby names, and potty-training, but I do have a brain just north of my uterus. So, while Elle lamented, "All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs," I'm complaining that all people see when they look at me is overactive kids and the mommy uniform.

Maybe I'm overreacting...heaven knows, I'm venting...I guess I'd just like someone to reassure me I'm not alone in feeling like this.

Anyone?

The Perfect Mother

Have you noticed there is this insane pressure to be the perfect mother? No wait - not just the prefect mother but the perfect woman? We should all have perfectly toned bodies, great hair, beautiful make-up, clothes that are in style, we should be able to cook and cook nutritiously (because heaven forbid anything pre-processed touch our child's lips!), keep a clean, organized house, work part-time or volunteer or have some interest outside of the house, be educated, well-read, musically or artistically talented, a great wife and supporter of our husbands, and have a house that looks like a million bucks but really you hardly spent a dime on it. Then there is our children. They should be perfectly cleaned and groomed, be able to read and write by the time they are one, involved in a multiple number of sports, music lessons, dance lessons, art lessons, they should start prepping for the SAT by the time they are four, never act-up in public, never say/do anything naughty, and always be polite little angels.

Are you laughing yet? Yah right - that's not very realistic?! Right? Right - but how come we find we are always defending ourselves? I hear my friends do this and I do this a lot. "Oh, sorry the house is a mess, it's just one of those days" or "please excuse the mess" or "I promise, my kid doesn't eat chicken nuggets everyday" or "I need to work-out, it's just tough right now."

Well, I'm rebelling. I don't work-out because I don't want to. My son eats french fries because he likes them and I let him. My house is always in a state of mild messiness - it's just a fact of life. I buy stuff for myself; it makes me feel good. I let my child learn by play - he's only going to be one once, why pressure him unnecessarily?

I propose we stop defending ourselves. We are all human. Take a page out of your child's book and just be yourself. You don't find your child defending his/herself, do you? Repeat after me:

I will be confident in who I am.
I will accept myself and my fellow Moms just the way they are.
I will not defend myself against an unrealistic expectation.
I will be understanding and not judge my fellow Moms.

Who's with me?!

What's a girl to do?

I have zits. I'm also getting wrinkles. The fact that the two of those are happening simultaneously on my face is frankly, friggin' ridiculous and absolutely no fair. I blame the spots on my nursing mommy, post-pregnancy insane hormones (I'm allowed to be post-pregnancy for at least a year, right? right???). It seems I have the raging, zit-causing hormones of a teenager, without any of the fun ones ( ;) ;) ). The wrinkles are, of course, caused from having three children, 3 and under.

So...what's a girl to do?

I've been using my old faithful face wash and lotion, the ones I've used off-and-on since the ripe old age of 15, but they're just not cutting it anymore. I'm just kind of floundering right now. I know I need to shake things up and try something new...but as I'm extreeeemely cheap, I don't like to try new things without at least a recommendation first (what, y'all don't get a second opinion on everything from toilet paper to hairspray before you switch brands?). So if you use something you love that helps with either or both of my issues, I would just love to hear about it (or even if you don't and just want to commiserate, that's great too, you know, whatever).

Move over Mr. Darcy!

On the suggestion of one of our readers, I decided to watch North & South, a BBC mini-series. (Thanks Liberty!) Thanks to Netflix and instant download I was able to watch it over a period of days during my son's nap-times. It didn't take me long to fall in love with Mr. Thornton.

Yes, that's right, my new fictional crush is Mr. Thornton. Sorry, Mr. Darcy. You were amazing, complex, noble, and somewhat broody, but Mr. Thornton puts you to shame. He's not prideful, he's passionate, which in his case is both a virtue and a vice. He is, in my humble opinion, hands down a more complex character than Mr. Darcy. And you've gotta love Richard Armitage, the actor who plays Mr. Thornton. *Warning: After the pictures is a spoiler.*



Isn't he just HOT?

And here he is as the broody Mr. Thornton...


I don't know if it's just my pregnancy hormones raging, or if Richard Armitage is just that good of an actor, but the closing sequence of the story was one of the most romantic scenes every portrayed. The smile, the kiss, the emotion so plainly written on both Mr. Thornton and Miss Hale's faces was just incredible.

And so I put my very high recommendation in with Liberty's to watch North & South, and I ask, who are your fictional crushes?

Oh - and yes dearest husband, you are still the hottest guy I know both in reality and fiction. :)

The Plague Among Us

Normally I try to make my posts light-hearted and somewhat humorous as an outlet for my creative side during the dog-days of child-rearing...however, today I'd like to discuss something I don't consider much of a laughing matter: pornography.

I belong to a small message board of Latter-day Saint (LDS) mothers, and recently, there was a thread about the level of concern pornography was for us as wife and mothers. I was absolutely s.h.o.c.k.e.d. to learn that over half of the women polled replied that pornography was of little to no worry to them. These women, all of which are members of the LDS church and know our leaders' great level of concern regarding pornography, simply didn't believe the issue will touch them and their family. I am telling you now...pornography is an issue I strongly believe affects everyone to some degree, whether it is your son, husband, friend, brother-in-law, cousin, or co-worker.

There are 40 million adults who regularly visit Internet pornography websites in the United Sates alone. The largest consumer of Internet pornography is 35 - 49 age group; those are not hormonal adolescents, but men and women with spouses and families. The industry is expanding at an alarming rate: in 1988 there were 1,300 hardcore pornography titles released in the U.S.; in 2005 there were 13,588, and the numbers continue to rise. When I searched the subject of pornography on lds.org, I brought up 831 results. Eight hundred and thirty-one. To say the brethren are concerned about pornography is a serious understatement.

Pornography is absolutely devasting to a marriage It takes what is beautiful and sacred and turns it into filth and evil. Pornography degrades sex. It dehumanizes the participants and those who witness it. The sexual side of the marriage is no longer just between the man and wife, but the man, wife, and playboy bunny he's been "seeing" on the side. It hurts wives. It bewilders children. It destroys families and marriages.

One of my biggest concerns is the apathy towards pornography and masturbation that is evident in today's society. Time and time again I have attended classes and read articles that inform me both things are normal and even natural. That as a mother and wife, I should not attempt to prevent and disallow these things, but that I should accept them or even embrace them. When readers and students ask how to counsel our children and help our husbands avoid pornography, we find no help, instead are accused of being narrow-minded and over-protective.

Our children are at high risk. The amount of pornography available is increasingly rising and our children's access to it, whether they're actively seeking it or not. The average age of a child's first internet exposure to pornography is 11 years old. As of 2002, 9 out of 10 children aged between the ages of 8 and 16 have viewed pornography on the internet, in most cases unintentionally. If you don't talk to and protect your children from pornography, who will?

I'm not going to claim I'm not telling you this to alarm you, because I am. I want you to be alarmed. I want you to go to great lengths to protect your families from this plague. This is an imminent danger that we need to address now.

While we can't guarantee that our husbands and children won't be exposed to pornography or seek it out themselves, we can protect our homes from it to the best of our ability. Keep your computer in an open area in your home and, if possible, filter it. Put uplifting messages around it. Talk to your children about what they're looking at on the internet and the dangers that lurk there. Keep talking with them about it. Ask your husband if he's being true to you, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Continue to ask him. Send a picture of your family with him when he's away on business. Help your family avoid the traps. I know these seem like silly, little things, but they will add up and hopefully, protect your family. You can't make the decisions for them, they have their free agency, but you can provide them with a loving, spiritual haven to come home to, giving them a reason and helping them find the ability to stay clean.

Women Seek Revenge

Anyone heard this story? A married man in Wisconsin was cheating on his wife with at least five other women. The wife found out and instead of getting upset with the women she called them and let the know what was happening - that her husband was a scumbag. She recruited three of the women to help her plot revenge. One of them lured the man to a hotel, convinced him to be tied to the bed and blindfolded for a "massage" then texted the other women to let them know all was ready. They then abused, superglued a sensitive part of the man's body to his thigh, and took off with his cell phone, car and keys. The man and offending appendage are alright, however, all four women are being charged with sexual degradation and the man has become the victim. (For the complete story click here). Is this right?

I know I laughed when I first heard the story, felt a little pity for the man, and then got to thinking. This man not only betrayed and conned over five women, he broke a legally binding contract with his wife. My understanding is that when a man and woman are legally joined together in matrimony they essentially sign an understanding stating that they will be faithful to each other. While this may not show up specifically on the Marriage License it is exchanged in the vows they make to each other. How come, when these vows are broken, there are no legal actions to be taken short of divorce?

My question is this: if a man or woman cheat on each other in the bonds of marriage should there be legal action taken? At the very least the couple should enter counseling, or the offending party should take some kind of "control your hormones" course, kind of like anger management. When there is spousal abuse the law can step in, so why not step-in when there is infidelity (which could arguably be a form of abuse)? What do you think?

Let me give you a few pointers, my Dear

Dear Husband,

It seems that our daily lunch hour phone calls are a little lacking, leaving both of us unsatisfied. I'm here to give you a few kindly suggestions. Let me remind you how today's conversation went:

You: Hello Honey, how's your day going?
Me: Fine. *sigh* I just seem to be having such a hard time getting things done...how's your day been?
You: Um...nothing much going on. Just, you know, the usual. How 'bout you?
Me: I don't know...the kids have been pretty rough.
[uncomfortable pause]
You: Well...um...anything else? If not...I guess I'll go...

And that was about all of that. Your desire to quickly get off the phone was oh-so-obvious. I realize you don't like to discuss the unpleasantness of potty training a 2 year old and disciplining a snotty 3 year old and juggling a crying infant, but my dear, welcome to my life. I'm not sure what you expect me to tell you when you call me-regale you with the joys of motherhood and quirky, yet adorable, things our darling, rosy-cheeked children do? Sorry, dearest, but not today.

Let's review that phone call again, this time possibly making a few small tweaks along the way.

You: Hello Honey, how's your day going?
Me: Fine. *sigh* I just seem to be having such a hard time getting things done...how's your day been?
You: It's been ok, although obviously not as rough as your day has been, from the sounds of it. What's the problem?
Me: Well...Toddler keeps taking her pants and diaper off, all while pinching Infant. Preschooler, for some reason, decided it's ok to show all of our neighbors his bare bum while he ran around the yard. [can you tell my kids prefer nudity? they do. it's odd.] Infant is also teething, which makes her naps nearly non-existent. etc. etc. etc.
You: I'm so, so sorry, darling, most beautiful and wonderful wife. You must be so stressed! [yes, real men do use exclamation points] What can I do to make things easier?
Me: Oh, it's ok. That's just life.
You: No, I think you need a break. How about I take the kids off your hands for a while tonight and you can get whatever you need to done/curl up with a good book/finish that craft that's collecting dust. Or, if you'd prefer we can go window shopping for a couch/to NY & Co and buy you a dress/out to dinner [insert any other fabulous suggestion here]. What do you think?
Me: Well...you're probably right. A break/take-out/diamond jewelery usually does a lot of good. Thanks honey, you're so great.

Ahhh, can you feel the love and happiness all around? Now, my dear, consider yourself taught.

Sincerely,
Your Loving Wife

Please tell me I'm not the only one whose husband doesn't have a clue what to say on the phone when I'm having a rough day.

I'm putting myself in Time Out.

I realized last Friday afternoon (which is the time I typically start pulling my hair out and screaming like a banshee) that I haven't been completely and utterly away from my children in over a month. With having my beasties with me for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for the last month (including 2 weeks of said month when I was husband-less), needless to say, I've been feeling a bit more stressed than normal. Sounds like I'm due for a time out.

I don't know about y'all, but for me, a month without alone time is a really. long. time. Whether for church meetings, dessert with a girlfriend, or a craft fair with my mom and sisters, I usually leave the little ones with my husband at least once a week. I'm one those girls who really, truly value their Me Time. I'll be honest, some days, I live for it.

As I normally don't neglect this facet of my life, I was pretty shocked to realize how long it'd been since I'd gotten away, but when I got down to it, I realized it was, in large part, due to my recent move. As I'm naturally a social creature, 99% of previous Me Time was spent with someone else. Move me away from all of my "someone else"s, and I suddenly forget to have some oh-so-necessary alone time. Soon after I realized my lack of childless activities I informed Spencer that sometime in the upcoming week, I was having a kid-free evening. So...now that I have a time-out on the schedule, what's a girl to do? It's been so long since my alone time was actually spent, well, alone, that I seem to have forgotten how. What do you do when you have an evening (or afternoon or morning) all to yourself? Eat chocolates while sitting in the car with a romance novel? Go shopping? Hit on younger men? (I'm joking, really. REALLY!)

Spill it, ladies.

Laughter IS the best medicine

I was in a desperate need for a laugh today. For some reason, I found this freakin' hilarious:



I also find Kate Perry's Hot N Cold video fantabulous. Watch the wedding party in the background.

And of course, Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" can always bring a smile to my face. Especially watch for Donny Osmond, you'll die laughing.

P.S. Click on the song's title to watch the video.

More Stripes Than A Zebra

Last week we talked about what clothes to wear, today we're going to discuss what's under said clothes.

Pardon?

That's right, girls...it's time to bare all. My guess is that 99% of our readers are mothers (and a BIG hello to Spencer and Carlin, our 1%), whether newer moms, veteran moms, first-time preggos, or grandmas. Hence, I'm sure you all have what's fondly referred to by some as badges of motherhood (also known as the mummy tummy, flat pancake boobs, more stripes than a zebra, etc., etc.). Heaven knows, I have more then my fair share...I have road map thighs, a chest that resembles deflated sandwich baggies (and that's while nursing, just wait until I'm not), and the saggiest, wrinkliest tummy this side of the Mississippi. I've tried a number of different exercises, but between a stomach-ripping c-section and skin with the elasticity of a banana peel (not to mention more pregnancies planned for the future which are sure to undo any semi-successful endeavors), let's just say that my so-called badges are here to stay. So, what's a young, semi-hip mommy supposed to do when the mere thought of her body sends her into spasms of revulsion and disgust?

Well...that is the question of the day, isn't it?

What would you do? Or, more accurately, what are you planning on doing? Are you going to try every exercise under the sun? Are you one of the blessed few whose body has remained relatively unaffected by pregnancy and mommyhood (you know we all secretly hate you, don't you)? Are you going to cling to your body shaper and wonderbra 'til death do you part? Or are you planning on being one of the 10.6 million women (in 2007 alone) who go under the knife?

I'll be honest, folks, as time goes by and my pre-baby best assets continue to become my post-baby worst, I'd be lying to say I've never considered it. Nothing major, but a little tummy tuck would go a loooong way to boosting my body-image. My major issue is that I have a hard time spending more than $10 on myself, so you can imagine how difficult it would be to spend thousands of dollars on something so superficial...and it is superficial, right? Then again, I often don't know how skin-deep it is anymore. If a body can affect one's psyche so much, is helping one's body look better truly just a cosmetic fix? Then again, if I give into my craving to look like I did five years and three kids ago, what's that saying to my daughters down the road about their own self-image?

What do you think?

The Mommy Uniform

For my much-neglected post, I figured I'd address an issue we have yet to discuss ~ Mommy Fashion. Some might accuse me of using an oxymoron (you know who you are...you're probably young, single, and chic, with big Jackie O sunglasses and a firm tummy), but I insist it is possible to be fashionable and a mom all at the same time. I might not be a well-known fashion maven, but I have learned a few things becoming a mom of three, three and under, while still being young enough to want to be trendy.

Contrary to popular belief, I insist being a hot mommy is possible. You might have had to sacrifice your manolo blahniks for baby food (it's highway robbery at .47 a bottle!) and have orange spit up down your back (caused by the aforementioned baby food, no less), but with a little effort you can go from this:

to this:

Lest you think it's just too darn difficult and expensive, it really truly does take minimal effort and money (because heaven knows I'm lazy and cheap). Here's a single, basic outfit that can carry you from at-home laundry days, to running errands, to that rare Girls Night Out. I fondly refer to it as, The Mommy Uniform. Let's start from the feet up...

First off: shoes. This is fundamentally one of the most important parts of an outfit. If you have fabulous shoes, you can get away with almost anything from there on up, so make sure they're cute. As an added bonus, most shoe styles are compatible with mommyhood. Avoid running shoes at all costs (unless they're cute ones and you're wearing fabulous lounge pants). I've seen many a great outfit ruined just because they threw on a pair of dirty old tennies. Personally, I'm a fan of ballet flats. They're comfortable and work with almost any outfit (if you're self-conscious of your legs, I'd only wear them with pants and go with something with height for a skirt). They've been around for a while, so you can easily find some on clearance. Just buy a couple and rotate through them and you're good to go. If you're feeling more adventurous, try out some of the fun new sandals out this summer or a sassy pair of wedges. Your whole outfit will thank you, I promise.

Second step: legs. As long as it's not too hot, you can usually find me in a pair of jeans (if it is hot, I'm partial to a jersey skirt). Jeans are pretty basic, I know, but dressing as a mom is all about basics. They're easy to move in, *not* dry clean only, hide stains well, and I don't have to wash them after a single wear. Sounds just about perfect to me. There's lots of different styles and washes, so don't be afraid to play around. If you're worried about your tummy, you can go slightly higher waisted (however, still wellll below your belly button) and hold things in, or go very low and avoid the whole muffin-top issue all together. If you have a bit of a badonkadonk, I'd stick with a pair that hits right at the hips, that way it's not too high, extending your butt upwards and it's not too low, leading you to spill out the top. In order to avoid the much-feared Mom Jeans, avoid tapered-leg, high waisted jeans at all costs. seriously.

Next: shirt. My go-to shirt is a basic (preferably stretch) tee. Crew-necks are nice because I don't have to worry about showing the world my goods, but if I'm feeling a little saucy, I'll go the (modest) v-neck route. Gap is, by far, my favorite (on sale, of course), but Target's Mossimo makes some decent ones too (they're usually around $10 a shirt). As an additional perk, both Gap and Target tees are long, so you don't have to keep pulling your shirt down (after all, you have your kids to do that). I love stretch tees because they don't lose their shape throughout the day like 100% cotton ones do, they're fitted, which doesn't add imaginary pounds, and they look nice enough I can wear them on a date (you know, once every six months or so) or to church. I'll usually go the solid route, but that's just because I'm boring. If you want to make a little extra effort throw on a cardigan for a little pizazz (or just if it's a bit nippy).
Lastly:accessories. I fully realize how difficult accessorising is with kids. That's why I stick to the basics. For me, basic means a pair of snazzy earrings. If you're uber-cheap (like me) and don't want to buy a bunch of different earrings, a pair of black, brown, and multi-colored earrings can carry you through just about any outfit. If I'm feeling particularly ambitious, I'll add a necklace, a long knotted scarf, or fun head band. Really, it is that simple.

There you have it Ladies, The Mommy Uniform. Try it, you'll be amazed at how easy it is to look like a hip, sassy hottie with minimal effort. The frump may just be banished forever (well...until your next bout of morning sickness anyway). Feel free to have your husband send his thanks my way.

ps-As a parting piece of advice, let me remind y'all of the perks of make-up. It helps you look like a less exhausted, less zitty, fresher version of you, which, after all, is always a good thing.

Confessions

I graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration Finance only to change poopy diapers, wipe snotty noses, and desperately try to keep my house clean. Whoever knew studying supply and demand curves, learning how to do amortization schedules in my sleep, and taking Women in Literature just for fun would lead to reading "Baby's First Words" and "Doggies" for the umpteenth time today?

I always had this glamorous picture of me traveling the world, studying abroad for grad school, working my way up the ladder at some hot company, proving to all those who thought I was too meek for the fast-pace life of Wall Street that I do have a feisty side to me.

I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I always knew I was going to settle down with some handsome guy and start a family. That's why I married my sweetheart instead of taking an internship with Lehman Brothers. And why, when my husband and I decided to expand our family, I had no problem wrapping up my education, quitting my job, and staying home with my son.

Every so once in a while I look at what could have been and sigh. How much fun would all of that have been? But I know in my heart I wouldn't have been as happy as I am today. When I see my sweet little boy smile and feel his little hugs. When my husband visibly relaxes after a long day at work because he knows I am happy and have everything in order, I know we made the right choice.

I don't regret my decisions even though I sometimes look back and dream. I have so much to look forward to in the future. Who knows? Maybe I will start my own business. (Which would be more pleasant than working for some stressed-out-caffeinated-crazed boss).

Chick Flicks

My sister is in town visiting me which means shopping, homemade spa nights, and of course, chick flicks. I have a lot of favorite chick flicks but I think my all time favorites are:

Pride & Prejudice



I like both the A&E 6 hour version and the Keira Knightley version. Right now I lean towards the Keira Knightley because I simply don't have the time to sit down and watch the six hour version, and the six hour version is enjoyed the most when you are able to watch it all the way through.

The other one I absolutely love is Mostly Martha.



Seriously, one of the best movies of all time.

My sister, who's 15, loves Twilight...



And let's face it, we all have to admit we've drooled over Robert Pattinson at one point and are equally excited to see Jacob in New Moon.

What is it about chick flicks that make us all gooey inside? Even those of us married and with children. My heart still skips a beat every time Mr. Darcy walks into the scene and the soup tasting scene in Mostly Martha just makes me melt. It could have something to do with the smile I can't wipe off my face every time my husband comes home from work. I guess I'm a romantic who just loves my romantic chick flicks. So, I ask, what are your favorite chick flicks? Any recommendations for me?

This is your brain:

This is your brain with children:

Giving credit where credit is due: Thanks Steph!

Have you noticed?

Have you noticed how actors/actresses (hereafter referred to as actors in a gender-neutral sort of way) can get away with just about anything? And I'm not comparing actors to us common folk. I'm comparing them to other famous-in-the-spotlight people.

It seems like there are agencies to step in as "Mom" in almost every situation other than actors. If an athlete acts up there is NCAA, NFL, NBA, MBL, NHL, NASCAR, etc, that will enforce fines, suspensions, and apologies. If a political figure steps out of line they are immediately reprimanded by some arm of government and usually forced to apologize or step-down via the public. There is even the SEC to watch over Corporate America.

However, actors can do anything. There is no fine, no suspension, nothing is enforced by the Screen Actors Guild or any other agency. They usually avoid the arm of the law, side-stepping fines, rehabs, and even jail time with a few good lawyers and nice Christmas presents sent to judges. And how does the public react? We eat it up. We buy the gossip columns, we obsess with reality TV shows, and run the price of their value up. At the very least, we roll our eyes and say what's new?

This immature, egotistical, supercilious behavior needs to stop. A third party needs to enforce some kind of discipline to the Lindsay Lohans and Christian Bales of Hollywood. When someone is pulled over for a DUI and avoid the law they should have to, at the very least, pay some kind of fine to the SAG. When someone belittles their coworkers due to an inability to control their temper they should be required to attend anger management classes. Some of Hollywood needs to be reminded that they are just people, paid to entertain us.

The Sacrifice that is Motherhood

I was conversing with a friend a couple of weeks ago who asked me how Motherhood was going. I told her "Great. It is well worth the sacrifice." My friend said, "See, I wouldn't think it is a sacrifice. At least not for me - I know you wanted to have a career but I want to stay home." Later I realized my friend mistakenly assumed I was speaking only of my career and the monetary sacrifice. If I had been a little sharper at the time I would have told her what I really meant:

1. First, there is pregnancy. There goes your hormones, sanity, and body.
2. Then your mind goes - I literally forgot to finish a take-home portion of an exam once.
3. After you have the baby you foolishly think your body will be back to normal. HAHAHAHA!
4. Forget dates with your husband, doing anything past 8pm (cuz you'll be exhausted), or leaving the house by yourself for longer than 2 hours if you are nursing.
5. And speaking of leaving the house it now takes 10 times as long to get out the door even though it is just one child.
6. Sex is pretty much nonexistent for at least a little bit.
7. Going to the bathroom by yourself - especially when they become mobile - is a thing of the past. My son's latest thing is to come in and put his head on my knee while I'm trying to complete my business.
8. Showers - ummm, yes, I think I remember those. Even if you do get one in you take it so fast that halfway through the day you can't remember if you've taken a shower that day or not. And is that really bad dandruff or did I just forget to rinse my hair out?
9. Then there is the whole "baby proof your house" which will really never be baby proof because babies are smart little creatures who figure things out way too fast for your own good.
10. And the reason why I wasn't able to respond to my friend at the time was because I was completely exhausted and was sneaking in some computer time while he blessedly took a nap.

A Very Funny Guy

I'll start off by saying I kinda lean left.

However, I adore this very red, right-leaning political comedian. Frankly, he's friggin' hilarious. If I can say that, then I know a lot of our readers, whether Republican or not, will find him very funny too. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Mr. Steven Crowder...





ps-these are a couple of his more neutral videos, go to youtube to see the rest.

It's called RESPECT

Some people call me naive, others old-fashioned. There is also self-righteous and the dreaded anti-feminist. Why? Because I believe sexual relations should only be practiced between a man and woman who are married. To each other. Not only do I believe it but I have practiced it. Both my husband and I practiced abstinence until we were married. The white gown I wore on my wedding day really did mean something. I also believe that a husband and wife's first obligations are to their family. If this means the woman stays home with the kids while the husband earns the bacon then I am in full support of it.

Recently I have been bombarded with lesser values in TV shows, movies, and books. It has me disgusted to see the degeneration of womanhood in today's media. Yes that's right. The sexual "freedom" that is displayed in the media, the push for sexual "equality" with lawsuits, the acceptance of pornography as a social norm, the elitism against motherhood, all of this and more are leading to the downfall of womanhood. Some people scoff at my argument saying that women like myself are undoing all that our ancestors have done for us. Is that so?

Then how come my husband worships the ground I walk on? I have chosen to do something that many women and men are terrified of - I have chosen to stay home with my child every single day, doing house work, being a mother and wife. How come I have the esteem of every male and female relation whether they be mere acquaintance or more intimate? Many of my peers enjoyed working with me on assignments because I did not make them uncomfortable with my latest one-night-stand stories. Many of the males I have worked with admit to being intimidated.

The first feminist movement was to gain equality in society. The latest feminist movements have been undoing what other women worked so hard to gain. So to all those who think I am old-fashioned, anti-feminist, or what other names you may come up with I only have one thing to say: It's called RESPECT!

For the record

...yes, it was an April Fool's joke. Now we can all relax.

Inhale...

Exhale...

repeat.

The Church's 1st Feminist Ward!

I had a friend email this blog link to me (thanks Brandielle!) and I thought it was pretty interesting. It’s from Feminist Mormon Housewives. Remember it has been approved by church authority so there’s nothing anti-doctrine about it. I'd love to hear y'all's opinions...

Announcing: SLC Feminist First Ward

By: Artemis - April 1, 2009

As you are aware, in the last couple of weeks, fmhLisa has been in Salt Lake. What we couldn’t tell you at the time–but are very excited to tell you now– is that Lisa was holding top-level talks with Church leadership in an attempt to get permission to form a new, Feminist First Ward in Salt Lake City. We are delighted to announce its formation.

We have agreed to abide by all Church government rules pertaining to male priesthood leadership, to use current and approved lesson manuals for Primary, Relief Society, and Sunday School, and to use the current Young Women and Young Men’s lesson manuals but with some adaptations (which, we have agreed, are to come only from church-approved sources).

We are very grateful for this opportunity to form our own ward of loyal, faithful feminist and feminist-leaning Mormons. However, because this is a first for the church, we want to caution anyone who wants to attend that “going off the beaten track” too much will not be allowed. That is, while we have (for example) no rules pertaining to dress (dressy casual is welcome, including pants for women), we have (for example) no plans to agitate for a female priesthood.

Derek has graciously accepted the calling of Bishop, with his counsellors TBA. Janet will serve as Relief Society President; mfranti as Young Women’s President; Artemis as Primary President; and Ziff as Sunday School president; all counsellors TBA. Other callings TBA.

We have been given a surprising amount of leeway in making this ward work for us. In addition to the traditional callings, with Priesthood consultation, and under Derek’s leadership and advice, we have come up with the following: Ward LGBT Outreach Coordinator, Interfaith Concert Series Chairperson, Environmental Stewardship Counselor, and Community Garden Development Committee. (That will be a big one. Artemis has agreed to let us use her garden as a Community Garden space, but she can’t do all the upkeep herself. If you’ve got a green thumb, please consider volunteering your time!)

We believe that confirmation through prayer to find the right person for the right calling is important. However, we also believe that people are very much aware of their own limitations and abilities, and so if there is a calling that suits you, please speak up. The appropriate people will then pray for confirmation to see if it’s right.

This ward will function more-or-less along the lines of what is considered normal. However we are instituting a few important changes, with the blessing and support of leadership:

1. Young Men and Young Women activities will function differently. Every week, there will be two different activities, one physical and one of a homemaking or service nature. The youth are free to attend either or both depending on their interests.

2. All service-oriented chores - moving, shovelling snow, bringing meals, etc. - are to be shared equally between men and women both, with sign-up sheets for all circulated in both Priesthood and Relief Society meetings.

3. Visiting and Home Teaching will be combined, with all messages to come from the same source.

4. Enrichment meetings will be open to both men and women, and will cover a wide range of topics from Book Club to culinary arts to home/vehicle maintenance to crafts. All adults will be given the opportunity to share their talents to enrichen our lives.

5. Because we admire the Protestant tradition of donuts and coffee after meetings, we will host weekly pot-luck lunches after services. These will be traditional pot-lucks, not the Mormon variety; while everyone is expected to bring a plate (unless financial or physical circumstances make it difficult) there will be no assigning of dishes. The ward will be providing herbal teas.

We know that there are a number of people who participate here who are interested in conservation and in alternative economic forms. To that extent, we will be heavily encouraging a bartering system. This will not be a formal part of the church; however, in conjunction with our weekly pot-luck, we will be encouraging members to bring eggs, garden produce, clothes, oddments, etc. to place on a communal “free for all” table. We are trying to come up with a paper-free way of coordinating the exchange of services so that goods can be exchanged for services and vice-versa; any ideas are welcome.

6. At least for a little while, the Genesis Group has agreed to come on-board as Music Supervisors. Let’s face it, the traditional music and choirs can be a bit boring, so we’re really excited that Church leadership has agreed to let us form a traditional gospel choir! (Can I get an AMEN!) If you have any musical talents at all, please consider joining up. There is also some interest in forming a Hildegarde von Bingen special musical number group.

7. The Mother’s Room - You will all be glad to know that we are going to have a proper Mother’s Room! We’ve been trawling local DI’s looking for couches and chairs and we’ve got enough to make a really comfortable space. While you will of course be allowed to nurse in the Chapel, our Mother’s Room will have great artwork with a feminist theme (Minercha Teichardt prints - kindly donated by Janet; and a poster of Judith and the Head of Holofernes - kindly donated by Quimby). While the couches and chairs are comfortable, they don’t exactly match; if you’ve got good sewing or decorating skills we’d love your help pulling this room together. We’re also looking for a microwave, if anyone’s got a spare. (There’s one in the kitchen of the meetinghouse but we’d love to have a seperate one for the Mother’s Room.) We are looking to establish a Father’s Room with similar amenities.

Crazywomancreek has generously agreed to donate a loaf of bread every week for Sacrament. She is not a member, so this represents a considerable donation on her part for which we are very grateful. Her bread alone is reason for anyone to attend! Not to mention it will be organic whole wheat. And, we’re still awaiting approval for this next one, but we hope (fingers crossed) to be able to serve it with non-alcoholic wine. (Technically it shouldn’t be a problem since you can technically use anything for Sacrament; but it’s a bit dicey, so we’ll see.)

We hope there’s a lot of interest in this new ward and really look forward to hearing and implementing your ideas!

"If you give your husband a PS3"

If you give your husband a Playstation 3, he will want Rock Band and all the equipment that comes with it. After he sets everything up, he will invite his friends over to play. You will make a plate of cookise for them. They will play for a few hours. After exhausting every song on the playlist, your husband will realize he is tired. He will want to settle down on the couch and watch a movie. This will mean he needs a Blue-ray DVD. Once the Blue-ray DVD is playing, he will exclaim at the poor quality image that your regular old TV puts out, which means he will want an HDTV. So, you will buy a 51 inch HD Flat-screen TV and surround sound. Once everything has been installed he will turn on the TV and start flipping through the channels, which will make him realize you need HD channels. You will call the cable company and subscribe for the HD package. Your husband will settle down in his Lazy-boy recliner with a universal remote and happily watch the ESPN-HD channel. While watching ESPN-HD a commercial will come on for Rock Band, which will remind him that he wants to play it. He will invite his friends over, and chances are if he invites his friends over, he will want you to make some cookies...

Like Father, Like Son

I had an interesting conversation with my three year old the other day.

He walked into the room as I was getting dressed and noticed my bra as I was putting it on. The ensuing conversation went something like this...

"What's that?"
"It's just something Mommys wear."
"For your chest?"
"Yes, for my chest."
"Can I touch it?"
He then proceeded to stroke my bra.
"They feel soft, Mommy...soft and squishy. I like them." With a couple more pats, he went on his way.

He reminds me of my husband, twenty-something years ago. I guess some things never change.

Artfull Bras

We received this in an email and thought it was worth mentioning on our blog. A bunch of ladies in South Carolina got together and in an effort to combat Breast Cancer designed bras to auction. Not only do we love the bras with all their character and creativity, but we love the purpose. I'm sure all of us have stories of women in our lives who fought breast cancer. I have several such stories and from each woman I learned the same lesson: laughter really is the best medicine.

These bras serve two purposes, one to bring laughter to the soul and two, to raise money for Breast Cancer Awareness. Our favorites were:

Whitney's - Boobs in Bloom Aubrey's - Wonder WomanWe would like to hear your favorites, so take a look and let us know! Artfull Bras

What DO we do all day?

Is it just me or is Tacoma the lady that's always giving me dirty looks for daring to bring my kids into Olive Garden?

May Heaven curse her with three children in less than three years

...and then insist she stay home with them.

ps-click on the page and it'll open up loads bigger, making it easier to read.

The Double Standard that is known as Man

This topic stems from a lot of little things that have been happening lately. I am sure most of you have heard of the scandal on Facebook where a woman was asked to take down a nursing picture because it showed too much skin. While we respect Facebook's decisions, we have to ask ourselves, "why is it okay to have women wearing next to nothing displaying themselves in a provocative manner post a picture but you can't post a picture of a woman feeding her child?!"

This got me thinking about some other things too. How come a woman walking around in a bikini is immodest but no one thinks twice when a man walks around without a shirt? Do men not think that women can't get turned on by a guy with really nice abs whose shorts are hanging down low enough to tease you? And no, I'm not talking about if you go to a beach where you expect to see those things, but maybe there is a clip on TV of a bunch of college students partying it up and there is an instant chorus from the males of how immodest the girls are but no comments about the man groping the girl in the background.

It just seems to me that men are living a double standard. Yes, I am generalizing, I know not all men are like this, there is an exception to everything. And there are plenty of females who have double standards. It's just something that has irked me quite a bit lately. I just don't think it is right to judge a female with such harshness but not pass the same judgement on a man.