Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Let me give you a few pointers, my Dear

Dear Husband,

It seems that our daily lunch hour phone calls are a little lacking, leaving both of us unsatisfied. I'm here to give you a few kindly suggestions. Let me remind you how today's conversation went:

You: Hello Honey, how's your day going?
Me: Fine. *sigh* I just seem to be having such a hard time getting things done...how's your day been?
You: Um...nothing much going on. Just, you know, the usual. How 'bout you?
Me: I don't know...the kids have been pretty rough.
[uncomfortable pause]
You: Well...um...anything else? If not...I guess I'll go...

And that was about all of that. Your desire to quickly get off the phone was oh-so-obvious. I realize you don't like to discuss the unpleasantness of potty training a 2 year old and disciplining a snotty 3 year old and juggling a crying infant, but my dear, welcome to my life. I'm not sure what you expect me to tell you when you call me-regale you with the joys of motherhood and quirky, yet adorable, things our darling, rosy-cheeked children do? Sorry, dearest, but not today.

Let's review that phone call again, this time possibly making a few small tweaks along the way.

You: Hello Honey, how's your day going?
Me: Fine. *sigh* I just seem to be having such a hard time getting things done...how's your day been?
You: It's been ok, although obviously not as rough as your day has been, from the sounds of it. What's the problem?
Me: Well...Toddler keeps taking her pants and diaper off, all while pinching Infant. Preschooler, for some reason, decided it's ok to show all of our neighbors his bare bum while he ran around the yard. [can you tell my kids prefer nudity? they do. it's odd.] Infant is also teething, which makes her naps nearly non-existent. etc. etc. etc.
You: I'm so, so sorry, darling, most beautiful and wonderful wife. You must be so stressed! [yes, real men do use exclamation points] What can I do to make things easier?
Me: Oh, it's ok. That's just life.
You: No, I think you need a break. How about I take the kids off your hands for a while tonight and you can get whatever you need to done/curl up with a good book/finish that craft that's collecting dust. Or, if you'd prefer we can go window shopping for a couch/to NY & Co and buy you a dress/out to dinner [insert any other fabulous suggestion here]. What do you think?
Me: Well...you're probably right. A break/take-out/diamond jewelery usually does a lot of good. Thanks honey, you're so great.

Ahhh, can you feel the love and happiness all around? Now, my dear, consider yourself taught.

Your Loving Wife

Please tell me I'm not the only one whose husband doesn't have a clue what to say on the phone when I'm having a rough day.


  1. Yah, my husband can be pretty dense on the phone sometimes. And he has this horrible habit of hanging up without saying good-bye. I have to admit he's pretty good at picking up when I need a day out, but I've been told that switch turns off as you add more kids to the equation. Right now there's just one so he doesn't mind sending me out and playing with his son. We'll have to see if this willingness continues...

  2. Hilarious! I was reading this @ work and trying not to laugh! =D

  3. Oh so true my dear and it will NEVER get any better. Diamonds do help though....Keep up the good work of at least saying something. I used to just simmer and simmer and would one day explode over something trivial and look like an idiot.

  4. SO TRUE!! You make me laugh so hard. I definitely think there needs to be a little schooling session for husbands. Just to tweak and help them finesse their husband-ly responses. Thanks for the grin!

  5. Too funny!!!!
    I cried most of the day today...mostly crazy hormones...
    anyway, after a convo with my husband (and inserting the fact that I spent the majority of my day in frustrated tears...he informs me that he's "got work late tonight"...I thought I was going to die!!!
    It's so hard to get them to catch on to things sometimes...but he did give me a "belly massage" when he got home, and suddenly I feel so much better. Still though, they totally need some pointers...

    Thanks for the laugh!!! I'm not the only one!

  6. Ahhh, so true!! There is a reason that they say "a diamond is a girl's best friend"...that and any shopping outting, that is... The way I see it is, if I'm so stressed w/ life during the day then I NEED something to look forward to to keep me going. Either that, or hubby-dear is gonna come home to his wifey going nutso in a mountian of laundry, dirty diapers, and screaming lunatic children. I can assure all that the first option is a whole lot prettier. ;)

  7. I know exactly how you feel. I believe that our conversations on the phone are either EXTREMELY short, or they only consist on things that need to get done. Nothing like a list of things to do to make the pep talk oh so worth it. :)