Monday, March 22, 2010

Defect

I've decided my body is a defect. I lamented to my husband that he should return me. He just looked at me like I'm crazy. Why am I defect? I can't nurse, and as you've learned from previous posts, I can't give birth either (not without the wonderful technology of c-sections). Maybe I should back up a little bit.

I am a huge advocate of breastfeeding. Besides the obvious convenience and savings (my milk is free versus formula), breastfeeding is so good for your baby. When my son was born we wasted no time in breastfeeding. I hadn't even been removed from the surgery room when we tried our first attempt. I'll admit, as many first time Moms will, that it was rough at first. He wasn't latching on right and I was completely unprepared. Nevertheless, I trudged through it. After a couple of months I was a nursing-pro. Then the crying started. He would just cry and cry. I was already on a no-dairy diet, the pediatrician had prescribed Zantac for his acid-reflux, and I was doing everything I could think of. My friends reassured me that it was just a growth spurt and it would soon pass. His 4 month check-up proved something else. My little boy was losing weight - I was unknowingly starving him. Now it was my turn to cry. By six months old I had completely dried up and my son was exclusively on a bottle.

This time I promised myself it would be different. I called in the lactation nurse while I was still in the hospital to make sure my baby girl was latching on right and I remembered everything correctly. I promised my husband I wouldn't exercise for the first six months and I would keep my calories up. If I was hungry I ate, even if it meant going for yet another cookie. It might not be the best option, but it was at least calories. I would force myself to have a snack before bed. My husband bought me an electric pump so I could pump when she decided to sleep for long stretches of time. By one month I started seeing the signs... I was drying up. My OB prescribed medicine, I sought out natural remedies. I've done it all. Increased calories, water, taken marshmallow root and sarsaparilla, tried pumping in between feedings, and eating potatoes and celery (a remedy I learned from my French friend). Still, yesterday found me close to tears as my little girl cried for more and I had nothing more to give.

I found myself spilling my frustrations to a friend, who reassured me that it was not my fault. Turns out, she has the same problem. It's so hard watching all of my other friends nurse for as long as they want (or the child wants). It's hard hearing the comments of "well, I nurse my baby" or seeing the judging looks as I hand my child a bottle. It's hard hearing that I just need to try harder and receiving advice from people who have simply read some article on the internet. As I spoke with my friend I realized that I wasn't the only one out there who has this problem. I've also realized that there is no reason to fight the course my body is naturally taking. Maybe I'm not a defect after all.

7 comments:

  1. I'm sorry! That must be so frustrating, especially since you want to breastfeed! I am also pro-breastfeeding, but it upsets me that some advocates are judgmental of bottle feeders. I hope you don't feel guilty! It sounds like you're tried so many things, so never feel bad if your babies need bottles. It's great that we have a second option for those instances where breastfeeding really won't work. Good luck and do what you need to.

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  2. You absolutely shouldn't feel guilty at all. If ppl give you judgey looks, that's on them, not you. You nurture & love your children the best way for them. *longrange internet HUGS*

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  3. Ah honey, you're not a defect! I can't even imagine how hard it'd be to go through all the pain of early BFing, only to have your milk dry up when you finally get the hang of things. I'm so sorry, sweetie, but you just can't blame yourself/your body. It is just what it is. Lots of people bottle-feed their babies, and ya know what, they all grow up just fine. It'll really be fine. Huge (((hugs)))

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  4. Not a defect, not a defect (that's me chanting...)! Poor Aubrey! I feel for you. Although, I've never had the problem of drying up, I have had nursing issues, and ended pumping for months with Cooper and then actually, well...I guess I did dry up and he was bottle-fed. Hmmm, I guess time heals all wounds...see I hadn't remembered that right off the bat after eight years. You'll see, your babies will grow up to be bright, interesting, wonderful children whether or feed them by bottle or breast--because you love them and that's what matters the most. Good luck and try not to get too discouraged!!

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  5. Don't even thing about being down about this!!! Things like this are normal to some women-I have a really good friend who is just like that. Myself, I was starving Jos, so at 4 months we supplemented and nothing was left by 6 months, with Gav, I barely made it to 8 months and with Gun I cheered (and I'll admit sighed a teeny-tiny bit after being used to boob freedom much earlier) for lasting 11 months. Every body is different. I obeyed all the rules, drank enough, took natural remedies, etc, but my body is simply different from others. At other clever people stated- no one has died, or grew up stupid or mean from having been fed formula. You are a wonderful, caring mamma, and that is truly all that matters!!

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  6. Hold the phone...don't EVEN feel like you are a defect! I've had all kinds of problems breastfeeding (one caused my birth control). I've never breastfed a baby for over 4months. Don't feel bad, this is an age-old struggle. How long have women been around? Since Eve... You ain't the first Hon, and you certainly aren't the only.
    Let the Lord speak peace to your mind on the matter, but from one woed Mother to another...chin up. The Lord wouldn't have given you children had He thought you incapable (as for the degenerates who have children and shouldn't have...the Lord has plans for their little spirits as well. He's organized beyond our ability to comprehend...and knows us all better than we know ourselves. And has known us for a long time too ;)

    Chin up, Charlie! No need to frown.

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  7. Thanks for the support everyone and the "long-range internet hugs" - I really needed it. Coty and Alabama Apples, thanks for sharing your stories. I've been talking with others and finding out it's really more common then people let on - I'm glad to know that I'm not a "defect." I'm also thankful to be born in a time with great technology so we can have things like formula to feed our little ones!

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